Legends as Told by Krynn's Most Reliable News Source
by FeanorusRex
Summary: The Rabbit, Krynn's Most Reliable News Source, brings you all the happenings in the Legends trilogy!
1. Sexually Repressed Adults Explore Desire

A black robed mage and a cleric of Paladine are discovering their natural impulses for the first time. Crysania of Tarinius, a prominent figure in the church of Paladine, and Raistlin Majere, a wizard on the path to godhood, had previously ignored sex in favor of their respective careers. However now they find themselves violently attracted- to each other.

"It's just stupid," said Majere. "I do not have time to deal with all this [censored.] I am just trying to become a god here and there's all this [censored] sexual tension. It's completely under control, though. Everything is fine."

Tarinius was more positive, saying, "I am 100% here to do Paladine's will. If a part of his plan for saving Raistlin is to have us get married, I'll do that. And if Paladine wants us to have awkward first time, yet wholly satisfying sex, then I'll do that. Completely following his direction here."

When pressed, Tarinius admitted that her interest in Majere does not only stem from obedience to Paladine. "I mean, look at him!" She commanded, "Look at those cheekbones, hot damn son. Sure he was good looking when he was golden, but then I came to Istar, and he's got the skinny pale, blue eyes, long hair thing going on. Majestic."

P

The pair is currently in Istar, where Majere is working on some, "Highly secret magic stuff," the only description he could by persuaded to give us, and Tarinius is single-handedly trying to reform the church in Istar and stop the Cataclysm.

Many influential figures have weighed in on the situation and Majere and Tarinius' actions.

"I sent them back in time to die," stated a harried Par-Salian, head of the Wizard's Conclave. "If they want to have some wild nights of passion before an actual mountain falls on the city, so be it. Stop asking me questions."

"It's just weird," marveled Caramon Majere, Raistlin's twin. "I'm the one women like, not him." Why women would like C. Majere was unclear, as he is a recovering alcoholic, in jail on multiple charges. "It's not my fault I'm locked up," he repeated. "It's this justice system that broken."

This discourse on the judicial process was interrupted by a fellow prisoner, a kender, Tasslehoff Burrfoot, who demanded to give his thoughts on the Majere/Tarinius matter.

Burrfoot thinks it would be great if the two got married. "Even I can feel the sexual tension!" He told reporters happily. "Like yesterday, when I was spying on them, and Crysania was leaning halfway across he table with the neck of her dress open and Raisltin was going to kiss her, I swear. But then he didn't."

Shortly after this article's first publication, Elistan, head of the church or Palaine, contacted the magazine, distressed over its title.

"I would like to make it very clear to all readers that Paladine's Church has never in any way encouraged sexual repression. Our order includes both the single and married. Any repression or sexual thoughts, feelings, etc, have been a personal choice of the part of Crysania of Tarinius. Let me state that any disaster that occurs because of her falling in love with Raistlin Majere is not the responsibility of the church of Paladine."

At present printing date, the anniversary of the Cataclysm is drawing near, and Krynn's most reliable news source, will return o see what effect a fiery mountain has had on Majere and Tarinius.


	2. White Male Human Feels Angst

AN: Hi, Svetlana! Also, everyone: there's this REALLY GREAT Legends musical called The Last Trial and it is the greatest thing ever produced.

Reader comments on the previous Raistlin article:

I can't believe Raistlin's trying to become a god. I knew him back in Solace. I tried to seduce him, for fun, you know. But maybe he only likes holy women. -Miranda of Solace

In a racist, xenophobic, sexist society, one of the privileged feels that he is being unfairly singled out for tragedy. The white male human in question is none other than the godhood hopeful- Raistlin Majere, featured in a former article, (see: Sexually Repressed Adults Explore Desires.) Majere, having survived the Cataclysm, is currently leading an army across Kyrnn, to a captured a dwarf-owned tower, to exploit its natural Abyss portal resources, in, what an unnamed eleven political commentator calls, " A textbook example of white male human oppression and greed."

Majere responded to this allegation only by saying, "I cannot deal with all this angst the world is throwing at me." His 'majestic'* cheekbones more pronounced, and his face wan from long nights of soul searching. "First I save everyone from the Cataclysm, then I find out that I have to lead a [censored] army to get to the Abyss, then there's this near sex in the woods incident-." He broke off and disappeared in a lovely display of magely power. Further questioning as to what Majere meant, directed at the space he had vacated, went unanswered.

Crysania of Tarinius, another privileged person, (while she is female, this is made up for by the fact that she is extremely rich) who is also involved in this white imperialism conquest, was equally withdrawn about the incident, saying that just because she in a nice person, does not mean that she has to tell the entire world about her sex life.

Tarinius added, unconvincingly, that Majere was being such a jerk and she has no interest in having sex with him anymore anyway. She related a disturbing incident where C. Majere offered himself to her. "It was so gross," she remembered. "I don't like muscles. And he's married."

C. Majere, former alcoholic and ex-con, has emerged from his jail time, fitter, addiction free and with quite a reputation as a mixed martial arts fighter, in the popular, if rigged, Istar Games.

The Rabbit caught up with him as he studied some important looking maps. What asked about his twins angst, C. Majere stated: "Raist has always been a bit of a goth weirdo. He has been more strange lately though. Like he actually shouted, "I am my own executioner!" In the middle of the woods. Who even says that?" C. Majere to have finally stopped worshiping his younger twin, yet revealed that he was leading this army at Majere's command.

Attempting to find more information about the "near sex in the woods incident," we contacted Astinus the Chronicler, at the great library of Palanthas, asking him if he chanced to record this incident. We received a statement reading. "I know you teenage fan girls just want a Raistlin/ anyone sex scene so you can imagine yourself in the woman's place, well just STOP. They didn't even have sex you twits."

Later, this missive was revealed to have been written by Bertram, and Aesthetic monk, frustrated by fan girls, "cramping his aesthetic."

Before his army marched on Zhamon, Majere issued a final statement to the press: "I was just stabbed a couple of days ago. Stabbed. I continue to walk the paths of destiny." Tarinius interrupted, saying that he needs to get over himself and his destiny.

In an unrelated statement, Majere remarked that listening to gothic music on a record player has helped his angst condition slightly. "Vinyl is just another form of magic." He stated angstily.

*As described by Crysania of Tarinius.


	3. Misunderstood Man Upgraded to 'Evil'

Reader comment on previous article:

Mage Horkin writes:

I always thought Red, or Black now I guess, was as asexual as they come, but wow! A few years go by and he's seducing clerics and leading an army."

After a few turbulent weeks, Krynn's most reliable news source reports the true story. After marching on and capturing Zhamon, Raistlin Majere and Crysania of Tarinius entered the Abyss, which Caramon Majere describes as, "so dramatic you would not believe it. Seriously, Takhisis, get some chill."

After fighting various demons, the pair found themselves inside some really trippy version of Raistlin's mind, where a mob attempted to burn Crysania as a witch. "I nearly died," said an irate Tarinius. "And that's when I downgraded Raistlin from 'misunderstood bad boy,' to 'actually evil.' I'm laying there dying and he just walked off and left me."

Since Tarinius' wounds prevented her from speaking, she was unable to curse Majere as Lord Soth's wife did, which Tarinius finds infuriating. "Instead of banshees, I would have given him kender. Have you heard kender sing?"

Majere carried on alone, eventually defeating the Dark Queen. "It was a really fantastic moment for me." Majere yelled though the Abyss' portal. "Really a great culmination of years of work. Yeah, did I mention I DEFEATED TAKHISIS?" Majere added that he would like to take this moment to say [censored] to everyone who said he would not succeed, or just generally insulted him. He then rattled off a list of names, too extensive to quote here.

At this point the dragonarmies were also trying to take over the world, for the 40 billionth time.

As Majere was poised to become a god, C. Majere entered the Abyss and revealed, using privileged information gained from time travel, how bad things would be if his brother became a god.

Majere responded, "THAT happens? Oh, [censored], there goes my plan."

After discovering Tarinius blind, but miraculously healed, C. Majere carried her out of the Abyss, leaving Majere. "I hope he festers in that emo hell, but I think the bastard's at peace." Tarinius concluded: "Paladine's very forgiving. Although not so forgiving as to give me my sight back!"

Most of Krynn's inhabitants agree- Majere's actions branded him evil, yet this opinion seems unpopular among young women. "He's just misunderstood!" An unnamed girl stated emphatically, "I was reading The Soulforge, you know the Library of Palanthas just published it, and he's such a sweet child. Fistandantilius ruined his life. It's not his fault at all."

Already a group calling themselves. "Raistlin is God," has been formed and holds monthly rituals. Their leader, an unnamed woman wearing an hourglass necklace, stated, "Raistlin may not have become a god, but to us he is. He's our god. And also our infant son." She added that their group is attempting to put on a stage production showing how Raistlin is actually the victim of circumstances.

Majere yelled his closing statement from the Abyss: "This whole thing turned out really [censored] up, and I didn't even get any sex. If anyone needs me, I'll be asleep. Raistlin out."

AN: Raistlin is God is an actual devianart group. They know nothing about this story. Tell me if you liked it please! And go watch the best Legends Russian musical ever: The Last Trial!


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